ok, so I need to vent big time. I posted something along the lines of this before but this time I’m going to elaborate.
Over the summer, I didn’t have a job. My parents worked all day, and my little sisters went down the street to hang out with their friends almost everyday. My boyfriend lives two hours away from my house. This left me stuck home alone. At first, relaxing was nice and being able to read in my backyard without hearing anything, not even a car go by [if you want to go somewhere to be completely alone Limington, Maine is the place to be], was just what I needed.
But after two weeks of this, I started to go stir crazy; things got too monotonous. My days would basically consist of getting up at 1pm, showering, making food, talking to Tony on ventrilo, and playing the Sims 3 until it was time to go to bed. LAME. But once a month, for about a week I would take two trains to get to Ayer, Massachusetts to see Tony and it was like an escape. Things aren’t boring with him and it was nice to have company for a change. This summer, I fell in love for the first time.
Since he was the only person that I talked to and saw the most other than family, my life quickly revolved around him. By the time August 29th rolled around, I was more than excited to move back to Fitchburg for school and finally be 20 minutes away from Tony again. So excited that I didn’t realize that my friends actually missed me. I went to Tony’s every other night for a week so I could get seeing him that often out of my system before work and Student Government started up.
After about three weeks, I had a ‘talk’ with my friends Sonia, Jacqui, and Courtney. Basically, the first week back they were so mad at me that they claimed that if Tony and I ended, they would not be there for me. I told them that I could tell that Sonia wasn’t confiding in me anymore and that I was jealous that they were replacing me as best friend. After that, I thought everything was okay but almost a month later Sonia lied to me to my face about something she already told me. Ever since then, I’ve been doing my best to stop confiding in her. For a week after she lied to me, I only talked to her if she asked me a question. But, I’m a chicken so I didn’t bring it to her attention. Just when I had finally gotten over that, she started hooking up with my best guy friend again. It made me really uncomfortable because I honestly don’t want to see him like that. He’s like a brother to me and I don’t want to know what he does behind closed doors to my best friend.
After listening to these stories for so long, it got to me. Sonia isn’t supposed to be telling these stories, he made her promise yet everyone I know knows about them. So, a week ago Thursday, I went to Kareem and told him that I know, that it’s not really any of my business, and that it’d be nice if he had a conversation about secrecy with her. He promised that he wouldn’t say that I told him, but she played detective and found out that it was me. Sunday before I went to go get Tony at work, Sonia turned to me and basically said that she can’t trust me, that she knows who her real friends are, and that I’ve changed and it’s disgusting.
The only part that I’ve changed about myself is that I stopped caring about what they think of me. Sonia said herself that I can do whatever I want on the weekends, not that I shouldn’t have to get her permission. If I want to see my boyfriend after a long and stressful week, that’s what I’m going to do. [And because his brother locks himself in their bedroom, we can only have sex on Fridays which is stupid. I hate having to plan sex, it makes me feel like we’re old and married.]
Courtney said that I use them to go to the dining hall and that I can’t do anything by myself. I don’t understand how she can’t see that I’m so busy, that meal times are the only times I can sit down with my friends and enjoy their company. It’s also upsetting that, when I can tell they don’t want me around, they get mad that I go in my room and talk to Tony on the computer. They think that I’m sulking and that I can’t live without hearing the sound of his voice. I’m not going to force my presence on them, and I’m not going sit in my room and do nothing at all.
The three of them didn’t talk to me for a few days, and I stayed off campus for a week to give them space. Courtney and Jacqui are talking to me, and Sonia told me about her hair cut earlier, which is weird because I didn’t think she’d talk to me at all. I’m going to take this one step at a time. I am going to do my best to move though. I’m not going to stay where I’m not welcome. And I hope Sonia feels bad about this, because she honestly has done a fantastic job of driving me away. Three and a half years ago, if I had known that it was going to come to this, I wouldn’t have started to hang out with Sonia.
Honestly, I just want to go home. I’ve never been this homesick.
